so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
