in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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