Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
