I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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