pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
