Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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