Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
