There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
