I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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