Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
this hospital has no fireball
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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