She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
