Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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