Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
