goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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