Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
