We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
