What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
