idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
