Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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