I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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