My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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