I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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