About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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