life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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