Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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