Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
