I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
