Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
