I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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