Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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