Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
