Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
