It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
