When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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