my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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