Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
