what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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