So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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