Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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