I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
