Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
being pregnant is like rehab
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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