In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My penis needs a shock collar
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were trust falling into bushes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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