Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
