exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
