So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
