Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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