Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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