got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So much rum. So many feels.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We had sex on a dog bed..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
