He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
