I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
