just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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