our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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