I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
