Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
