Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize